Experiencing true joy requires working through real bullshit

Have you ever noticed how hard it is to share the things that are going RIGHT in your life, when you are in the middle of a crisis? It's because all the good juicy sweet feelings we have about ourselves, our lives, and our partners, are buried under piles and piles of pain.

Photo by Tatiana Gusmao @loveandlightframes

Picture this

You run into a friend at the local coffee shop, and they ask you, how you and your partner are doing? You say, "Oh, you know, we're doing alright. I mean, my partner is gone a lot, so we do struggle with that, and we have this recurring issue that we just can't seem to get past and we always fight about it, but other than that, we're good. We actually just got a huge unexpected tax return, and are planning a vacation, so that's really amazing, and we are really looking forward to it."

Can you relate?

It's a natural human tendency to have to release, work through, or express what isn't going "according to plan" before we can focus on all the things going well in life.

When I'm working with coaching clients

I will often ask clients how they are moving in the direction of a goal, and 9 times out of 10, they will tell me all the ways they aren't. Now you may be thinking, "that's weird, I wouldn't do that." So I'm going to ask you to try it for yourself. Think of a problem area in your life. Something you reeeeallly struggle with, and can't seem to overcome (ex: an issue in your relationship, self confidence, feeling worthy of love etc). Now I'll ask you; in what ways have you moved towards your goal around that (take two minutes, stop and actually try this- mentally list 10 ways you've moved toward that goal)?

Now, how many times during that two minutes did you think of all the ways you HAVEN'T moved towards that goal? We have to mentally note what isn't going well and clear it from our mind before we can see what IS going well.

So what's the problem?

If it's that obvious, and all we have to do is talk through the hard stuff to access joy then what's the problem? The problem is, because we naturally shy away from pain once it comes up, we tend to get stuck in it and not complete the cycle of working through it, and then we never FULLY access the good stuff. This is often why we are in negative relationship cycles where some version of the same fight (aka the B.S.) keeps coming up over and over again, but is never really solved.

We tend to avoid pain

It's human nature, and we all do it. When something painful arises in our life, it is our instinct to remove it as quickly as possible.

We tend to avoid the pain especially when it doesn't feel safe to experience it or talk about it.

Additionally, there's a lot of hoopla (crazy talk) going around in the world of "manifesting" that says "If you just align with the emotion you WANT to have, then that will become your life." Basically, if you just force yourself to be happy in a hard moment, and keep doing that over and over again, then you'll be happy.

I call bullshit. Here's why:

Mentally "changing our emotions," is actually avoidance

When we try to experience joy without first acknowledging and being with the pain, we just get to experience a fraction of joy; a fragmented version. It's like watching someone have a lovely Christmas dinner from outside the window, compared to being inside with all the people you love, tasting the great food, feeling the warmth and comfort.

It is seen, it is understood to some degree, but it is not KNOWN.

It is the same with relationships, too. Before we work through the hard stuff together and come out the other end, we never really know what true happiness, safety, and stability is.

So, how to I get through the B.S.?

Here is my challenge to you; when you feel pain, discomfort, or grief, BE with it.

Fully.

Embody it, experience it, invite it in for tea. Write about it, talk about it (where it's safe) and learn about yourself in the process.

Being with it, is the Very First Step. Processing it (verbally/mentally etc) is the next, After that is acceptance. Finally comes action to change it. And slowly by surely you move through it.

I also invite you to do this with your partner. Sit with their pain, don't try to fix it, or fade it, or change it. Listen, be fully present, reflect back what you hear, and let them know you are there for them.

If you are wanting to practice being with your own pain or someone else's (so that you can get to the juicy sweet lovey stuff on the other side)...

Here’s how to do it:

1. Be present;

With yourself or your partner, set aside designated time to listen, turn off your phone, and be fully there.

2. Listen to what is coming up to be shared (without making a story about it in your head)

3. Repeat back what you heard

For yourself- try writing, or close your eyes and pretend you are having a conversation with a part of you that needs to share something. Listen and repeat back what you heard (acknowledge that part).

With a partner- repeat back what you heard them say. It seems awkward at first, but I bet you will be shocked at the response you get from your partner. Try starting like this: So what I'm hearing you say is that you are feeling ___."

4. Ask clarifying questions:

With yourself - ask what this is about, if there's a backstory, or if this reminds you of anything from the past?

With a partner: if anything they say is confusing or needs clarifying, ask.

5. Don't problem solve, give advise, or try "relating" with a story from your own life.

With yourself: allow yourself to BE in it, without trying to fix it.

With a partner: Same, same. Just having someone listen, understand, and care solves so much of the problem alone. Save strategizing for later.

And always, know that you are doing a fabulous job. This self work stuff isn't easy. But on the other side of the bullshit, is all the sweet, juicy, REAL joy you've been searching for.

Please reach out or comment with any questions.

Love,

Ani