How to FINALLY Get Your Needs Met in Your Relationship

Does this sound familiar:

-You find yourself missing your partner, wishing they would prioritize spending time with you

-You notice that you put wayyyyyy more effort in than your partner does

-You ask for your needs to be met, but your partner doesn't seem to try to accommodate them (even though you work very hard to support their needs)

-You see other people in "healthy" relationships, and wonder if you'll ever have "that"

My friends, there is a solution. Let us dive in.

I am about to lay a truth bomb on you, that is going to be hard to hear, but will change your life if you can let it in; It's not them. It's you.

(Well, it's actually both of you, but we'll get into that in a bit).

Let me back up here and tell you my story.

When I first met my wife, it was all love notes, and constant texting. She couldn't get enough of me. And I loved it. I was finally being treated the way I always wanted. I was being told how incredible I was. We were spending all our time together. It was AWESOME. Then, somewhere along the line, things started to change (as they always do in relationships), and she wasn't so.....all up in my world (which I had liked, thank you very much.) HELLO?!?!? What happened? I was left feeling abandoned, and frustrated. Where is the person I married and who was this rando living in my house? Let's talk about the 3 stages of relationships for a second:

The 3 stages of relationships:

1. Honeymoon

2. Power Struggle

3. Commitment

The Honeymoon Phase:

So we all start off in the honeymoon phase. This is the bliss. The ecstasy. The "this person has no flaws, I've finally found THE ONE" phase. And for every. single. one. of. us, it ends. Sometimes it takes 3 weeks, sometimes it takes 3 years, But eventually, that blissful stage where they can do no wrong ends. And suddenly, the rose colored glasses are ripped off. This is when we see our partner for who they actually are, not who we thought they were.

The Power Struggle Phase:

Right after the honeymoon phase ends, the power struggle ensues. This is where conflict begins to arise, and often lots of fighting happens. This is where we try our hardest to shove our partner back onto the pedistol we put them on in the honeymoon phase. But it aint happenin'. We fight, we try to prove we are right, and we are so so so frustrated that our partner is NOT showing up the way we want them to (the way they used to, and the way a partner SHOULD). Ugh, so annoying.

But, IF we are both willing to do the work, this is also where things can shift. Maybe we find a relationship coach or therapist. Maybe we read a self help book. Maybe we begin having real, hard conversations, and begin letting go of the idea that a relationship or a partner is supposed to be perfect. Maybe we begin owning our own stuff and realizing we too, are not perfect. The point is, this is the phase where we also get to begin learning one another, and letting go of the fantasy that relationship are and should be 'easy'. Unfortunately, many people are not willing to do this work, and this is often the phase relationships end in.

The Commitment Phase:

IF you make it through the power struggle, (first off go you! that sh*t is HARD!) then you get to the next and final phase which is commitment. This is where the real love and intimacy lie. This is where you've given up on trying to change your partner, and accepted them for who they are. This is where you have hard conversations as a team, rather than opponents. This is where you have deep intimacy because you realize that nobody is perfect, and at the end of the day, you're both willing to put in the work for each other, and that's a beautiful thing.

Okay so back to my story:

Clearly, my partner had left the honeymoon phase without asking my permission (so rude), and I was left feeling abandoned and sad. Overnight, she was busy and didn't have enough time for me. Alone time, work and hobbies ranked higher than time with me, and we weren't as intimate as I would have liked either. I was left feeling lonely and confused.

So I did what any normal person would do; I clung on for dear life. Nagging her constantly. Telling her how she had changed, and trying to understand what had happened. I asked for more time, I demanded more time, and I pleaded for more time with her. I then realized, it must be because I'm not doing enough. I went into overdrive, taking care of my needs and hers (even though she didn't ask me to and often didn't appreciate it either), I did more house chores, I cooked all our food, I was overly reassuring whenever she expressed guilt of not spending time together. And still, NOTHING. I then began throwing in her face all that I do for her. All the ways I show up, that she does not. I had a list that I could access any time like ammo, proving what a wonderful partner I was and how terrible of a partner she was. Still, nothing. Finally, I became resentful and withheld love from her. I got cold and distant. And everything became a fight.

(Is this sounding familiar to anyone?)

I didn't know what to do.

Then, one day I had this breakthrough.

During one of our usual "I need more from you" conversations, my partner said "I need you to lower your expectations of me, and need less from me. I never ask you for anything." Part of me was like "You want me to LOWER my expectations of you????" But another, more wise voice appeared, that said "What if there's something here?"

And from that day forward, I began the process of letting go of my need for my partner to fill the void in my heart. I stopped expecting her to want to spend all her time with me, and instead began building a life I love. I spent more time with friends, invested in my work, started taking care of the things I had put on the back burner. And day by day, I started enjoying my life more. I didn't feel so sad anymore. I realized that in the (huge amount) of alone time I now had, I could actually find things that I enjoyed doing (that was of course after the first few weeks I just spent crying that my partner didn't want to spend time with me). But I realized, that I leaned so heavily on her because I had forgotten that I actually enjoy my own company. And I had to re-learn what I enjoy doing by myself.

And then a miracle happened.

I started to notice a shift in my partner. She would have moments of being sad that I was going to hang out with friends or if I was taking a client when she was off work (omg she actually missed me). And slowly I started noticing that she wanted to spend more time with me. She created more space and prioritized our time.

And I realized that we had entered a different phase: The Commitment Phase. I was no longer trying to change her. Nor was she trying to change me. We had found an equilibrium. We were both fulfilling our needs, and finding more joy in fulfilling each other's as well. We began having more compassion for one another, and really being able to hear each other better. And through this process, we both found the ability to be a lot more flexible and negotiable with one another.

Have you ever heard of anxious attachment style?

It's kind of a buzz word right now. Anxious and Avoidant. In this scenario, I would fall into the anxious category, and my wife would fall into the avoidant category. If you are resonating with this story, then you likely fall into the anxious category too. Think of it like a dance. If one partner (anxious) is pressed up against the other (avoidant), there is no room for avoidant to come toward anxious. If we (anxious) are putting all of our energy into avoidant's life, asking for our needs to be met, clinging to their every move, checking in on them constantly, we aren't allowing there to be any space for them to come toward us; they feel overwhelmed and suffocated. So our role (in the relationship dynamic) is to take a step back, and lean into our OWN world.

What does this actually look like?

-Find a new hobby

-Quit doing all the extra stuff (dishes, packing lunches, grocery shopping, etc) and focus on you instead

-Hang out with friends more

-Do the things that bring you JOY

-Find a support group (codependents anonymous or Love addicts anonymous) for fast connections and understanding

-Work with a coach

The mindset shift is the very first step.

It goes from "look at all I do for you. The very least you could do is spend time with me." To "I am committed to taking care of myself. Even if I don't know what that looks like, I am in charge of my happiness and will figure it out."

Remember how I said "It's actually both of you but we'll get into that?"

Your avoidant partner is leaned out, overwhelmed and is quite literally, avoiding you. SO they have their part too. When you pull out, it allows them the room to step toward you. But sometimes this takes a little while. They need to feel that they can trust that this isn't just something you are trying on. It needs to be genuine on both ends. I encourage you to truly seek finding your own happiness. Because then, whether your partner comes toward you or not, you will be fulfilled, and be able to enjoy the time you DO have together, more. And they can then add to your happiness rather than being your happiness. And if they want to spend more time together as a result, then great!

At the end of the day:

Making this monumental shift is for YOU. Shifting out of "I need you to give me more in order to be happy" to "I know how to care for myself, and show up appropriately, which then beings me fulfillment and enjoyment," is a game changer. Building up YOUR life, to one that you love, will inevitably have a positive effect on your relationship, and will create enough room for your partner to join you there.

Big love,

Ani